Letting Go with Awareness: Parenting, Fear, and Psychological Growth

I am a mother of two daughters and have been working in the field of psychology for nearly a decade. Over the years, both personally and professionally, I have become increasingly aware of how parental fear—often unconscious—can be projected onto children and, unintentionally, limit their growth.

A Personal Experience

A recent experience with my daughter brought this insight sharply into focus. When she expressed her desire to learn four-wheeler driving, I agreed enthusiastically and even offered to teach her myself. However, once we began, my fear took over. Despite my daughter sitting in the driver’s seat, it was I who was emotionally “driving”—constantly anticipating accidents, mistakes, and danger. Within a day, it became clear that my anxiety was overpowering the process. We mutually decided that enrolling her in a driving school would be a better option.

Within a month, her trainer confidently reported that she was driving safely and independently and had obtained her driving licence, encouraging me to trust her with the car. Yet, my fear persisted. I arranged for a driver to accompany her to college. After a month, even the driver reassured me that she was capable of driving on her own. When my daughter firmly decided to drive independently, I experienced intense anxiety on the first day. Only after receiving her message—“I have reached safely”—could I finally breathe.

That moment marked a profound realization: my daughter had grown into adulthood, and it was time for me to trust her capacity to take responsibility for her life—and for me to gradually step back. 

Understanding the Psychological Aspect

For parents, children often remain “children” forever. It is deeply challenging to accept their growing autonomy. While caring and protecting our children is indeed a parental responsibility, it is only true to a certain extent. At birth, the physical umbilical cord is cut, but the psychological cord often remains intact far longer.

In Transactional Analysis, this ongoing psychological attachment is described as a symbiotic relationship. According to Schiffian theory, symbiosis occurs “when two or more individuals behave as though between them they form a single person” (Stewart & Joines, 2012). While symbiosis is appropriate during early childhood, its continuation into adulthood can hinder psychological growth—for both the parent and the child.

Conclusion

From my experience, the psychological cord must be loosened gradually as children move into adulthood. They need freedom to think, learn, explore, and make mistakes—along with appropriate protection and guidance. Simultaneously, parents must develop awareness of their own fears, beliefs, and emotional reactions, and learn to regulate them consciously.When this process feels overwhelming, seeking professional support is a responsible and growth-oriented choice. Healthy separation fosters not distance, but mutual respect, trust, and emotional maturity. Ultimately, this journey leads to growth not only for the child, but also for the parent and the relationship they share.

References

• Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.
• Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (2012). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Lifespace Publishing.